“I’m sick and tired of putting up with your moods. Can’t you just stop moaning and groaning and complaining and just be happy for once in your life?”
Most of us hearing the above would instinctually either go into defensive mode or counterattack: “If you had to put up with what I do at work…” or “Well, I’m sick and tired of your…”. You don’t have to be a therapist to know that response is a quick leap down a rabbit hole of discord and disharmony.
Not saying it is easy but if you can listen past the attack to the needs and feelings behind the emotional words, you will have taken a HUGE step forward toward a constructive, relationship building (versus stressing/destroying!) conversation. Imagine if you can reply like: “Wow. Honey, I love you. I hadn’t realized how much the stress at work was coming out. I want to have happy times with you too.”
When you just hear the attack, you lose any additional messages being conveyed. Imagine the statement without the attack; what is truly being said? What need/trigger lies behind the emotions? What are they really trying to say/express? While doing so is certainly a nice thing to do and you’d definitely get a gold star for doing so and this is certainly not about ignoring your own needs or feelings, that is not all this is about. It is also a very smart, practical, useful response and role models an excellent coping mechanism.
This is akin to Covey’s 7 Habits principle of creating a space between stimulus and response and is also a form of anger management. We must master our emotions, or they will master us. As the saying goes, ‘You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger’. Choose better.
Closing Quotes:
“Be the change you wish to see.” – Adage
“Attitudes are contagious, is yours with catching?” – Proverb
“Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce, 1842-1914
“Peace is not something you wish for; it’s something you make, something you do, something you are and something you give away.” – John Lennon, 1940-1980
As always, I share what I most want and need to learn. – Nathan S. Collier
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