We all have “edges”, areas we do not go, areas we hold back from, areas we are not comfortable in, areas we shut down in. These “no trespass” zones can be so ingrained, so habitual that we lose awareness of them. Finding, Discovering, and Acknowledging our Edges, Exploring their “Why’s and Where-fore’s” embarks us on a powerful, exciting journey of growth.

“Life is a whole journey of meeting your edge again and again.
That is where, if you are a person who wants to live,
you start asking yourself questions like,
‘Now, why am I so scared?
What is it that I don’t want to see?
Why can’t I go further than this?’”
– Pema Chodron, “The Wisdom of No Escape”

I have come up against an edge in myself
By Emily Joy Rosen

A familiar anxiety, this uncomfortably persistent feeling
I have been writing a lot lately
But finding it hard to get clear, a lot of pieces with no endings
I have been looking mostly at sexuality and relationship
And noticing how uncomfortable I feel to share here
It is a different kind of exposure
It feels tender and more real,
as I continue to face these unresolved parts in me
I consider myself a relatively open person
Willing to dance quite readily with transparency
And while I don’t feel I need to share every part of me
I do wonder why I have such intense nerves around an open conversation about sexuality
So I go back into my memories, remembering the first time he touched me
I was slow to explore
Waiting patiently for a knowing to come
I was and in many ways still am a romantic
But it is hard to get to that part of me
I was always late in the game, far behind my peers in experience
So far behind that shame, a familiar visitor, kept me behind closed doors fully dressed and performing
I was a performer
In our work at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating we talk a lot about food and sex and the connections there
It is one of my favorite topics to dive into and discuss
I am most comfortable as an observer
But I notice I get so shy when it comes to sharing more personally here
So I have wondered, if perhaps I shouldn’t do it
Perhaps it is crossing “the line”
But then I remember that this is often how my psyche tricks me
Telling me that my fear is not to be faced
That it is a sign to back down
Because in all honestly I am scared here
Practically petrified
Of what you will believe of me
If I share more
But this morning I woke up thinking, for sure, the shame is far worse
It creeps in as I begin to write and I notice myself skirting around truths
Being vague when I wish to be explicit
So I am letting go
What comes I will share
Because one of the ways I know to release shame,
is to share what is shameful
It is often our secrets that are hurting us, not what we flaunt
What you feel you need to hide will slowly drain your energy from you
Let it out
When done with responsibility, I have only seen good come from it
So I am going to be more open here
About this previously more private part of me
If this is something you do not wish to see
I request that you please unfollow me

As always, I share what I most want and need to learn. – Nathan S. Collier