The great Sufi poet, Rumi, believed that before we speak, our words should pass through three gates:
- Is it true?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it kind?
I’d suggest a 4th gate if you are speaking of someone else:
- Would you say it to their face?
Covey and 7H: ‘On Being Loyal to Those Not Present; Not Criticizing behind others’ backs, How to respond if others do’
Suppose you and I were talking alone and we were criticizing our supervisor in a way we would not do if they were present. If I silently listen, I send an implicit message of approval of your behavior AND you are displaying your character (or lack thereof). My trust is eroded since I know that if we have a falling out, you will likely be discussing my weakness with others.
On the other hand, suppose I respond to your critique of our supervisor by telling you I agree with some of your content and suggest the two of us go directly to our supervisor and make an effective presentation on how things might be improved.
As always, I share what I most want and need to learn. – Nathan S. Collier
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