I began re-reading this old favorite the other day. “The Dance of Intimacy” deals with relationships and the patterns of distancing and pursuit (approach-avoidance behavior) that we often fall into in relationships.

The author also talks about how often things move in tandem: What most upsets us in others is frequently what we like least (or are most afraid of finding) in ourselves. Furthermore, often what we like least about others is somehow linked to what we like most about them.

Awareness of these patterns and a common language to discuss them are the first steps in effectively dealing with them and creating a climate for change.

Because specifics/concrete details help me understand abstract thoughts better, I found this list of linked/mirror traits of interest.

Least Liked Trait

  • Tendency to hog the spotlight
  • Failure to be straightforward, direct
  • Sense of entitlement and “me first” attitude  

Most Liked Trait

  • Energetic and entertaining personality
  • Kindness, tact, respect for feelings of others
  • Ability to “go for it” and know her own goals